It's Sunday morning and I don't know what I've been doing for the last couple of weeks.
I mean I know I've been working and feigning doing my devotions for a while. I think as a result I've been really awful, doing only the bare minimum I'm required to do, and actually connecting with God on even less. My prayers have become just daily, so Lord look after this person, or Jesus help me with this or that. I don't really believe he's going to answer, and part of me doesn't want him to because if he does, I have to respond.
I don't want to respond. I honestly wish right now that I could go back to the day I decided to follow him and take it back. But I know what would have happened if I did that. He would have continued to pursue me, inspite of myself. He is an amazing father. Even now in the depths of my doubt and sin, I see his hand opening doors, and closing them. Giving me ways out of temptation and showing me my own short comings.
If I didn't give my life to him I know he would still be pursuing me. He would still be loving me. He would still be longing for me the way only he can. Because he is the only person who sees me as I am. As I really am not the facade I put up for other people or myself. cause I do a lot of things just so I can like myself or look at myself in the mirror. But he still pursues me. He still loves me.
I remember there was an afternoon back when we lived in wattala, and i'd gotten a spanking from my dad, I couldn't have been more than 12, and when I went into my room, something made me open up my bible, and I don't remember what it was but I remember being filled with so much joy i started laughing.
I remember going for thy kingdom come when I was 14, and listening to testimonies and watching skits at the Wesley college hall, and feeling like there is more to this life than this. And I remember the song Deeply in love with you really pulling something on my heart. But I was more interested in an girl and missed out on what was clearly a call from God and was too jaded to go up and give my life to Christ.
At the heart of it I know, He would still be pursuing me in-spite of my sin in-spite of myself. I'm reminded that our God, loves us with an everlasting love Jeremiah 31:3 and he's talking about the adulterous idol worshiping sinful israel, broken and driven into the wilderness. I by no means am in such an awful situation. But I can't help but remember that his love is everlasting and he will pursue me.
It all just seems like it was such a long time ago, and though I see him pursuing me daily, it seems like it's been so long since he really showed himself real to me. I guess that's why forgiveness and living seem like just words to me. Wrote a Poem about it in the morning.
I guess at the heart of it I want to see him change me the way he did at first, but he wants more of me than I feel I can give, or can look past my feelings and give. I lack the faith to look beyond my feelings and obey. Obedience is so hard for me. I can be looking at a way of escape, providence, or miraculous intervention right in the face and ignore it completely to do what I feel like doing rather than what he is asking me to do.
Even my devotions today resound this sentiment. "We should battle through our moods, feelings, and emotions into absolute devotion to the Lord Jesus. We must break out of our own little world of experience into abandoned devotion to Him." - Utmost.org
But I just can't break out of this slump, no amount of worship or bible study or reading books or ineffectual prayers is getting me any closer. But I know what he is asking of me.
Those who love me will obey me. Obedience is difficult. But I'm going to have to learn it.
No comments:
Post a Comment