Joshua Chapter 4 (Response)

So where to start.

Fear is a powerful emotion. I think if you look at it from a primal perspective it is a defense mechanism that should keep us from danger. But fear has a completely useless side, where it paralyzes us and makes us feel helpless and lost.

What should urge us to action instead leads us to inaction, and inaction is a dangerous thing. Yesterday I was confronted with the idea of fear. An irrational fear of leaving home. Of change and the idea that I am not able to be who God needs me to be.

The idea that I am not a leader like Joshua, with 'God cravings' who connects the spiritual and secular seamlessly. I see a distinction, and my battle is that I am not a leader, or much of an example outside of ministry.

Or rather I do not have the faith to do the things God requires of me. And what are those things? I don't know honestly. I know the things he has told me to do and be. Disciple honestly, love boldly, seek him sincerely. Which I'm okay doing in my comfort zone, but not outside it.

Be strong and courageous.

Midst an ocean of other nations, other Gods, temptation and sin. Joshua was called to lead a nation known for messing up and angering the God they loved. And right now I feel less like Joshua and more like Israel, messed up and cringing at myself and God's discipline. Looking for anyone's guidance to lead me.

Part of me longs for the discipline of God, but part of me is afraid.

I guess it comes back to remembering who he is. He is strong. He is brave. He has done mighty things. And he is aiming to do mightier things still. He uses broken plans and people to do his will. Maybe that's what God was aiming for with what he thought me yesterday. Less prevention, more cure. To remind me that once I fall he hasn't changed, and his agenda is still the same.

I kind of envy Joshua.
In spite of the heavy burden on him, his passion and love for God carried him through.
I know I love God, but do I love him enough to sacrifice whatever he asks of me. To speak when my timidity says be silent. To lead when my heart says follow.

When I shared these thoughts with my fiancee she reminded me of our verse. God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, the weak things of the world to shame the strong.

And she asked me if I am willing to let him be my all in all. I realized I'm okay with just him and nothing else.  But I still am iffy about being used by him to be less and him being more. To do the things I am afraid to do and move out of my comfort zone to where he is. To step out of the boat.

I guess the best definition of my predicament is that I can live on mercy, but not on grace.

I want to see what it's like to walk on water, but I don't want to risk sinking.

But is that enough?